Introduction

The Journey That Led Me Here

Owning Dolly should have been the happiest time of my life. She was my dream horse, my partner, my heart. But instead of pure joy, those early years were filled with doubt, frustration, and heartbreak. Everywhere I turned, people told me I was doing it wrong. I was too soft, I was spoiling her, and I needed to be firmer. The weight of their voices made me question everything.

At the same time, I was on my own journey of self-discovery. After two narcissistic relationships, I was finally with a supportive partner who encouraged me to be myself. But standing up for myself was still new and unfamiliar. And yet, I knew I had to be strong—not just for me, but for Dolly. She needed me to protect her from a world that expected obedience, not understanding.

Just as I had had been allowed no voice, no opinion and no right to say “no” in those relationships. I could see how horses were also silenced, being expected to obey rather than being understood.

You might think that a horse trained through intimidation or force wouldn’t comply willingly—and you’d be right. But, just like humans in a narcissistic relationship, their voice goes unheard.

Horses, like people, can be manipulated into a state of coercive control, where they obey without question. Their lives revolve around repetitive training, with punishment for getting it wrong. For humans and horse, they learn quickly what behaviour is acceptable or not to the aggressor/trainer and comply to avoid the punishment that will surely come. For a human it becomes that a single look can be enough to put them back in their place, for a horse, a simple cue demands obedience. The lives are not their own as fear of reprisal is always present in both cases. This kind of training can result in a horse seemingly working at liberty when in truth they are just as compelled as when they are in normal tack.

Through the years since I lost Dolly I have watched and studied the horse world. When I could see that the cruelty was coming to light, I knew it needed to happen, and I began to realise that so many horse owners were probably going through the same struggles that I had—trying to do right by their horses while being pressured to follow outdated methods, and I wanted to help these people.

This ebook highlights some of the myths that horse owners are continually told in order to reinforce the world of dominance and control. Then explains the logic and understanding behind why listening to your horse and connecting with them in a kinder and more compassionate way, creates a deeper connection and a safer and more enjoyable way to be with your horse.

Soon, I’ll be launching my course, Horse Listening for Beginners, to help owners like you truly start to understand and communicate with their horses in a way that fosters trust, not fear. Helping you to read your horse and what it’s trying to say without having to learn a whole course in horse psychology. Because although understanding the signs that your horse is trying to tell you something is useful to know, most horses are past gentle nuances before they say an obvious “no” that gets them noticed. Our job as horse owners is not to blindly push them through this, judging them as being naughty or idle, but to look at the circumstances that are making the horse resist this particular action or activity and for that we need to know our horse, their surroundings and training, to figure out what is behind the “no”. This is something you won’t get from a psychology course because it is different for every horse and every event.



In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this book and the information in it will help you to understand the way your horse sees you by the way you communicate with it, and I hope you’ll follow me on this journey by joining my Facebook group where you can ask for help in understanding how your horse is behaving and how you can change to make life easier for your horse.

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Myth 1 - The Horse is a Dangerous Animal.

This is a comment that really surprised me. I’ve always known that Dolly was not a reactive horse, she was a slow thinker. I have seen ex-racehorses and how jumpy and reactive they are which makes them difficult to handle. I always find myself feeling sorrier for the horse than the handler as I see the animal’s fear and anxiety.

So let’s look at some facts and see exactly how dangerous horses are, and why they are labelled this way.

The Truth About Horse Safety: A Perspective Shift

When people talk about ‘dangerous’ animals, they rarely mention the real culprits. The deadliest animal on Earth? The mosquito. Humans, snakes, and dogs follow close behind. Yet, horses—despite their size and strength—don’t even make the list. While they are large, powerful animals capable of causing harm if startled or frightened, they are not instinctively dangerous creatures.

Horses are prey animals whose primary instinct is to flee from danger. They react in fear, to escape pain, or in extreme cases, defensively when they feel trapped. Unlike the dogs and cats, we welcome into our homes, horses have no instinct to hunt or kill. Yet, the horse world continues to use the term “dangerous” in a way that instils fear rather than understanding.

Fear-Based Training: The Real Danger

A horse trained with fear and pain sees its owner, carer, or trainer as just another predator. It learns to behave to avoid punishment rather than out of trust or connection. This kind of relationship leaves no room for mutual understanding. When a frightened horse reacts instinctively, it does not prioritize the human’s safety—because trust was never established in the first place.

Horses subjected to dominance and punishment may appear obedient, but many are simply shut down, living in a state of learned helplessness. When forced into fearful situations repeatedly, they suppress their fear—a process called “stacking.” This buildup of stress will eventually erupt when the horse can no longer suppress it. At that point they may rear, buck, bolt, or even lash out in self-defence. Because the stacking is hidden within the horse the horse becomes labelled as unpredictable and dangerous.

Ironically, the very methods used to “control” horses are what create unpredictability and danger.

The Safer Alternative: Trust and Connection

The only thing that truly makes a horse dangerous is the stress and mistreatment it endures. A horse that is listened to, treated with kindness, and given autonomy over its movements learns to trust its human. Just as a horse in a herd looks to its companions for reassurance, a horse that trusts its human will seek guidance rather than react out of fear.

A calm, confident human helps create a calm, confident horse. When we approach our horses expecting danger, our anxiety signals to them that something is wrong—making them more nervous before we’ve even begun working with them. Horses read our emotions instantly, and it is our responsibility to bring peace to our interactions. A horse that trusts its human will not only be safer to handle but will actively avoid harming them, just as it would a fellow herd member.

The Power of Peace and Connection

I do not claim to be a horse trainer or professional. I have simply learned through experience that when you love a horse and treat them with kindness, they want to be with you. They will seek your guidance when they are uncertain, and if you are truly fortunate, they will welcome you into their herd—not just as a caretaker, but as one of their own.

Over the years, I explored many training methods, always seeking the kindest approach. I was mostly self-taught, as every spare resource went toward Dolly’s care. While I may not have mastered every technique, the most important lesson I learned was to listen. When I approached anything with focus and love, Dolly would try to figure out what I was asking.

Someone recently told me, “Peace and calm are emotions; you can’t teach them.” They were right—but you can cultivate them. The more time you spend feeling peace and calm with your horse, the deeper your bond becomes. When you become a place of safety for your horse, they will always want to be with you. And when trust replaces fear, both horse and human move together in harmony, free from the myths that divide them.

A Personal Experience: When Horses Protect Their Own

For those who still believe that horses are naturally dangerous, I want to share a moment that profoundly changed my understanding of the horse-human bond.

One day, I was alone at the yard, clearing a paddock for a friend. The paddocks ran parallel in one field, with my mare, Dolly, in a paddock further down the field. As I worked, a stranger pulled up in a car. We were always vigilant about strangers for the horses’ safety, so I approached the fence to ask if I could help. The man claimed he was checking power lines, but something felt off—there were no pylons nearby, and his car had no signage. As he started walking toward me, I felt a wave of unease.

Then, something changed. The man suddenly looked startled and stopped in his tracks. I felt breath on my neck and realized my friend’s horse had silently walked up to stand by my shoulder. A glance to my other side revealed the horse in the next paddock had done the same. These horses, who normally showed little interest in me, had left their grazing to position themselves beside me, creating an unspoken barrier. The man muttered something about coming back later and quickly retreated to his car, driving off in a hurry.

As soon as he was gone, the horses simply turned and wandered back to their grazing as if nothing had happened. They did not seek a treat or a scratch; they had simply come to stand by me when I felt vulnerable. In that moment, I realized I had not just earned Dolly’s trust—I had been accepted into her herd. These horses, who barely interacted with me before, had recognized a potential threat and instinctively stepped in to support a fellow herd member.

That day, I really understood the depth of the bonds that the horses create within their herd. They are sentient beings who respond to energy in ways we often overlook. When I realised those horses were by me like protective big brothers, my anxiety ebbed away and when I saw the man leave as quickly as he did, I knew he had felt the intimidation of their protection towards me too. I understood that I was no longer just part of Dolly’s herd to Dolly, but also part of her whole herd in the field. To these two horses that I felt hardly knew me I deserve the protection of the herd through my connection with Dolly.

That realization never left me. Years later, I still feel the power of that moment—of being truly accepted into the herd.

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